


Without You I'll Be Miserable At Best

by Anonymous



Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, mentions of abuse, mentions of self harm, none of it is graphic but I was an angsty teen when I wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 23:25:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19451635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: "They always end up back here eventually." The five times Riley and Peter were together but weren't and the one time they actually were.





	Without You I'll Be Miserable At Best

They always end up back here eventually.

\--

The first time is after Riley and Zane break up. Peter goes over to run damage control. After scoping out the area for sharp objects, he finds Riley on the couch with a bottle of vodka.

"No," Peter says firmly. "Last time you drowned your sorrows in alcohol, you ended up making an ass of yourself, and I'm not dealing with that again."

Riley snorted. "Why are you even here?"

"Because I don't want to turn on the news tomorrow morning to find that you were found in a pool of blood. Or drowned in your own vomit." He sits on the couch next to Riley, grabbing the bottle out of his hands. "Look, I know losing people sucks. Take it from a guy whose lost 2 of his past 3 girlfriends to other continents and is currently single. But I'm not gonna sit around and watch you mope and listen to sad-ass music or whatever."

"I'm not moping."

"You're the king of moping."

Riley looked up. "Fine. I'm moping. Anything else or is this intervention finished?"

"Nope. That's about it. Still gonna sit here and keep you away from the vodka though."

"You suck."

"I know."

After a few minutes of silence, Peter commented, "You know, to be perfectly honest, I never really liked him."

"Why not?"

"He just had this 'better-than-thou' attitude."

"Really? I never noticed that."

"That's because it was never directed at you."

Riley smirked. "That's not an attitude. He just didn't like you."

"Why not?" Peter asked.

"…Do you really want me to answer that?"

"If I'm so horrible, then why do you hang out with me?"

"Pity...No other prospects," Riley shrugged.

"Or maybe you're just in love with me," Peter teased. A long silence followed. "Are you?" Peter asked.

Riley looked away.

"Riley, tell me the truth. Please."

"Yeah," Riley said, finally.

"Okay," Peter answered.

"What?"

Peter sat up. "I said okay. What did you expect? For me to throw things at you and leave?"

"Well, considering that the last time I made any sort of move you pulled back and wiped off your lips…yeah."

"Okay, for the thousandth time, I'm sorry for that."

"I know. I'm over it. I'm just saying. But seriously. Are you cool with that?"

Peter sighed. "Do I have a choice? I can't change the way you feel. And…maybe it will make it okay for me to do this." He pressed his lips to Riley's tentatively, as if testing something. This time it was Riley who broke away.

"What the hell?" he exclaimed.

"I figured I owed you. You know, for last time," Peter explained.

Riley rolled his eyes. "You're not serious, are you? And you are aware that I just broke up with my boyfriend, right?"

"I know."

"You're unbelievable."

"I know, right?" Peter said, smirking.

Despite himself, Riley chuckled, hitting Peter with a pillow. "You're an asshole."

"So are you."

Neither of them are sure how or when they started making out. Afterward, however, Peter stays until he knows Riley's asleep. He slips out of the house, the vodka held against his chest so Riley can't drown his sorrows in it the next day. But not before covering Riley with a blanket.

\--

That experience wasn't ever expressly brought up for a while. It was one of their rules. It did cause some changes though, if indirectly. Peter was off at college and participated in the obligatory experimentation. Possibly even more so, considering his whole thing with Riley. Somewhere in the string of hookups and boyfriends, he ended up getting involved with a gay who, at the very least, wasn't good for him. As time went on, the occasional name-calling escalated to the pint of violence. This had carried on for about a month, when, after a particularly nasty fight in which Peter ended up with a nasty black eye and a bruise across his cheek, among some other less serious injuries, he left and found himself at Riley's.

After tapping on the door a few times, quietly, he finally heard footsteps approaching the door.

"Peter…Wow, he really got you bad."

Peter emitted a tear-choked laugh. "Yeah, he did."

"Are you okay?" Riley asked.

"It's nothing worse than anything else I've dealt with," Peter replied.

"Do you need ice or something?" the other boy asked, gesturing to follow him into the house. Peter obliged.

"I'm good. I honestly don't really know why I came here."

"Because you can't live without me?" Riley said, smirking.

"Yep, that's it," Peter said sarcastically, smiling slightly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Riley asked.

"Since when have we ever talked about things?"

"We don't. But you've helped me through stuff so…"

"I don't really know what to say," Peter sighed, "Karma hates me. That's all."

"What happened?"

"This time?" Peter clarified. "He got pissed because he saw me talking to the one guy who works at the coffee shop. He said I was cheating on him. I said I wasn't. He called me a whore. I called him an asshole. He grabbed my arm and told me to take it back. I said not until he took what he said about me back. This was apparently not acceptable so he slapped me. I told him to stop and hit him, until he punched me and then I left."

"I'm sorry," Riley said simply.

"Don't be. You didn't do anything."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

A pause. "No," Peter answered.

"You said you were."

Peter smirked bitterly. "A lot of people say a lot of things."

"Do you need anything?'

"Kiss me," Peter said.

A long pause. "What?"

"Please," Peter asked, "It's been so long since someone kissed me. I'm not asking for anything more. Just tonight."

And Riley looked up into those blue eyes, his biggest mistake, because they were filled with tears and even though everything was screaming at him, he couldn't say no. Moving forward, he pressed his lips to Peter's, the same way Peter did for him a few months ago.

Later, lying in the haze of sex the room contained, Riley brushed his hand over Peter's bruised cheek, making him wince. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Peter said turning away, "Just sensitive."

"I know this probably isn't going to help any, but why did you stay with him?" Riley asked.

Peter sighed. "I don't know. Because he apologized and made up for it afterwards. Because I didn't want to be alone."

They're both silent for a few minutes, with Riley holding Peter and pressing gentle kisses to his neck every once in a while. Finally, he says, "I'd never hurt you, you know."

Peter turned slowly in Riley's arms to face him. "I can't. You know I can't."

Riley smirked. "I know."

"I should go." Peter gets up to leave. He pulls his clothes back on, then leans down to kiss Riley's forehead. "Thank you."

Riley just nods.

As Peter reaches the door, Riley said, "I love you."

Peter smiled sadly. "I know.

\--

The third time they're both recovering from tough breakups. At this point Peter was knocking at the door at the same time Riley was opening it. Once they were on the couch, Riley opened with a simple "What happened?"

"She went on a trip for spring break, came back and wasn't acting the same. She texted me to tell me she had met someone else."

"Tough break."

"Yeah. What about you? I really thought you and Andrew were gonna make it," Peter responded.

"Yeah. Me too." A lie. Truth is, this thing with Peter was kinda sabotaging his relationships. Not only was it not helping him get over Peter, it was also kind of making him want to break up with any boyfriend he had just so he could see Peter. How sick, sad, and twisted was that?

"Hello? Earth to Riley. I just asked what happened?"

"Oh. Uh, we both just thought it would be better if we saw other people. There just wasn't a spark."

"Aww. That's cute. And here I didn't think you were a romantic," Peter mocked.

"Shut up."

Peter's eyes glittered, which made Riley feel both excited and wary.

"Make me," Peter challenged, stepping forward.

And once again, despite his inner protests, he did what Peter told him to, like the whipped little…whatever that he was.

They had been sleeping for a while, Peter woke up and promptly yanked the comforter off of Riley. "Cold," he said.

"Great. Can I have my blanket back?" Riley countered.

"But then I'll be cold again," Peter said.

"Maybe we can compromise," Riley said, moving closer and wrapping his arms around Peter.

"Mmm. I think I can deal with this," Peter said, relaxing into the touch.

A few minutes later, Riley asked, "Peter? Can I have my blanket back?"

"No."

Later the next morning, as Peter was leaving, Riley started to say "I lo-"

"Don't," Peter half-hissed. "Please don't," he said, gentler this time. "I just got my heart broken. And so did you. We both don't need this right now. I have to protect myself."

\--

The fourth time there's not even really a reason. They're both just single and lonely. After another one of their little trysts, they're laying there in the same way that makes this seem almost routine.

"God, we're pathetic," Peter said, chuckling under his breath.

"Yeah, well, I don't know, you're the one who keeps coming back. I can get any guy I want," Riley smirked.

"I'll bet you can," Peter teased, rolling his eyes.

"Hey!" Riley laughed, whacking Peter lightly on the arm.

"I'm kidding!" Peter said, leaning over to kiss Riley lightly. Riley kissed back rolling Peter on top of him.

"Stop it," Peter whined. "I'm trying to sleep."

"Then sleep," Riley said, squeezing Peter slightly.

"I can't when you're squeezing me to death."

"I am not."

"Whatever, let me sleep!" Peter said.

The next morning, Riley doesn't even attempt to say the "L word." He does, however, make breakfast. And to a boy, it means the same thing.

The fifth time it's more of the result of celebrating Riley's graduation than loneliness or heartbreak. They're used to being each other's safety blankets, but they've never hooked up under necessarily happy pretenses. They have to sit in silence for a while, soaking it in.

"This is weird," Peter said.

"What do you mean?" Riley asked, rolling onto his side.

"It's just…there's no 'oh, this sucks, this is the best I'm gonna get' feeling. Just…happy."

"Is that a bad thing?" Riley asked.

"No," Peter clarified, "Just different."

"You make it sound like something so shocking."

"Well, considering my previous history, it kind of is."

"What do you mean?" Riley asked.

Peter got quiet and turned away. "My first time was with Darcy, but it was only because she wanted to know that she had slept with someone by her own choice, not because she actually wanted to sleep with me."

"That sucks."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're great at comforting people?" Peter said sarcastically.

"Well, what else am I supposed to say?" Riley asked.

Peter sighed. "Nothing. What about you?"

"What about me?" Riley asked, confused.

"Your first time. What was it like?" Peter asked.

"Oh. Uh, you know. Nothing special. Just kind of…nice. Everything you'd expect." A lie. It was perfect. Completely special.

"With who?" Peter asked.

You, Riley thought to himself. "Uh, Andrew."

"Oh. You and Zane never…"

"Nah. Neither of us were really ready, ya know?" That's an understatement.

"You're not lying, are you?" Peter asked.

"No. Course not."

"You're a really crappy liar."

They were both silent for a while until Peter chimed in with, "It was me, wasn't it?"

A pause. "It's that obvious?"

Peter laughed softly. "A little bit. You had just looked so nervous."

Riley didn't say anything.

"Hey, it was cute," Peter comforted, "I'm just kidding."

"I know," Riley said.

"Hey, if it makes you feel any better, you were the first guy I was ever with. So I guess that means I lost my…gay-ginity to you."

"I'm 99% sure that's not a word."

"It is in my world, so shut up."

"Of course it is," Riley replied.

"If you're gonna be mean, then shut up and let me sleep."

"Fine. Goodnight."

"Night," Peter mumbled. A few minutes when he was completely asleep, he subconsciously cuddled closer to Riley. So Riley just shut up and brought him in closer.

\--

Riley heard a knock at the door and prepare for what came next. He didn't prepare for Peter barging in and dropping the bomb on him. "I love you."

"…What?" was as much of a response as Riley could muster through his current state of shock.

"You heard me."

"What…what made you come to this sudden epiphany? And yes, I know what that means, I looked it up."

"Talking a couple nights ago. At first I thought I was just coming back because you're my best friend. But that kinda made me see that it's more than that."

"This isn't some sick joke, is it?"

"Of course not."

Riley stepped forward and kissed Peter firmly.

"So I take it you like me back?" Peter said flirtily.

Riley stared at him. "Do you really have to ask that?"

"Hmm. Guess not," Peter said, pressing up on his toes to kiss Riley.

"Love you."

"Love you too."


End file.
